Five-Minute Friends
In praise of micro-frienships
I think everyone should have a few five-minute friends. A five-minute friend is someone you’re always happy to see, but would never think to text. You tend to see them in the same places in different corners of your life.
You might not even know their name. Maybe they told you once, but you immediately forgot it. Maybe that’s just me though. I’m bad about that. But every time you run into each other, you pick up right where you left off.
If your FMF were to make a list of all their friends, you probably wouldn’t make the cut. So I’m using “friend” loosely here. At the very least, they might seem pleased to see you. They might engage in small talk, or ask generically how things are going. In response, you say something like, “It’s going,” or “Can’t complain. You?”
Eventually, your interactions stop being so generic and start focusing around a single point of interest. Your brief conversations are just about that. “Gone to any shows lately?” That’s what this one dude asks after I saw him at a concert once. I recognized him there because he also works at Trader Joe’s and said, “I fucking love this shit,” as he scanned a container of hummus. I still don’t know his name, but I’d recognize his neck tattoo anywhere.
There’s this other lady who walks her dogs in my neighborhood. One time she noticed my dog Mako was walking really slow. A month later, I found out why. She asked if he was okay and I was wondering the same thing. I had checked his paws in case he had stepped on something sharp, but no, he was just struggling that day and I didn’t know why.
A month later, I saw her again and she asked where Mako was and I told her about his cancer. “Oh, Mako!” she said and her eyes filled with tears. She knew Mako’s name, but she didn’t know mine. FMF’s can share emotional experiences with you and still not know you outside of that particular context.
To this FMF, I’m the guy whose dog died. She doesn’t know I’m a writer. Doesn’t know I have kids. We wave at each other every day from across the street. Somehow, that’s enough.
Then there’s all the people I know from Stacks. It’s a bookstore/cafe in my hood. Now some of these folks have turned into 30-minute friends because once we start talking books, it’s hard to stop. And these folks do know my name because we introduce ourselves at their book club events. Most of them know I write, too.
Talking about books often leads to more enriching conversations, which leads to more self-disclosure. But even so, I still consider them five-minute friends because I only see them there, in that particular context. They don’t come to my house. We don’t go to dinner.
The magic of FMF’s is that they ask nothing of you. You don’t have to remember anyone’s birthday. You don’t have to schedule anything because interactions just happen organically, randomly in most cases. There’s no texting and no “we should get together sometime.” These are free, no-strings friendships. It’s nice.
Of course, they could develop into regular friendships. It’s great when that happens. But if it doesn’t—and most of the time it doesn’t—I still think they’re valuable just how they are.
We hear a lot these days about the loneliness epidemic. About how we’re losing the ability to form deep relationships. Maybe that’s true. But I wonder if we’re overlooking the superficial ones. I think we underestimate the value of these micro-friendships that stitch together the edges of our day-to-day.
Five-minute friends won’t help you move. They won’t be your emergency contact. But they might remember your dog’s name. They might ask how your book is coming along. They might recommend a band or a novel they think you’d like. Sometimes that’s enough to make the world feel a little less anonymous—a little less lonely.
Maybe five-minute friends aren’t the solution to the loneliness epidemic. But they’re a good reminder that we belong to a place—and to the people in it. It’s a small thing. Most of the best things are.
Talk to Me!
Do you have five-minute friends?
How do you know them?
Have you been to any shows lately?
I like that idea of FMF. It's definitely nice to have a group discuss writing with who doesn't come into the discussion with the baggage of assumptions about my personal life.
Definitely find value in FMF…easy, casual, and fun that helps get of my character world and interact in real life. My FMF are found at local Starbucks, Safeway, Target, and even my PCP office where the medical assistant and I talk about which reading platform is best. I don’t know a lot about of any of them and vice versa but I enjoy the simple exchange. Shows…nothing recently but looking into Hollywood Undead this fall as well as excited for Broadway’s Hells Kitchen in August. Thanks for sharing!